Steve Coops

The Confused Alien

Holo Video Clip 001
The screen shifted from black to colour and the confused image of a human face, Ross Devane appeared.
“Hey is this thing working. I did as you asked but it does not seem to be doing anything.”
Another face, light grey, belonging to Ix, an member of the Acen race approached from behind and stared at the screen.
“Yes its working Rizz.”
“I keep telling you my name is Ross!”
“That’s what I said Rizz.”
Ross fumed and rubbed below his left ear. “Damn these translation implants. They can convert any speech pattern and yet they can’t do my name correctly.”
“There’s nothing wrong with the implants!” argued Ix.
“Then say my name as Ross. That’s R-O-S-S, Ross!”
“Rizz” said Ix
“Of forget it!”
“So what is it you are doing again?” asked Ix.
“I thought as I had a few hours to kill I’d finally get on to my project, the one I told you about.”

Ross Devane was the first human to join Galaxy Force and had encountered many problems in working with aliens, mainly related to culture clashes and trying to get to grips with completely alien technology. As such he had decided that should another human or humans ever get permission to join Galaxy Force, then he felt it was his duty to put together some notes so they avoided the same catastrophe’s he had.
It seemed odd for him to be doing this when most humans accepted the idea of Angels, Demons and Alpha humans. The average man even understood the fact there were cyborgs. However when it came to aliens they either believed they did not exist or they well all little green men from Mars. The real irony was a lot of aliens he had encountered referred to humans as ‘Big Pink Men from Sol 4.’

“Ok then so its on!” he said steadying himself in front of the camera.
“Yes…” said Ix getting irritated. “How it is it you can master our weapons yet fail to grasp this simple holographic camera?”
“A gun I get – you hold it at one end and aim the other end at something you don’t want to see and find something like a trigger and pull it. Then the thing you don’t want to see is normally no longer there. I think its a universal idea wherever you go. Now this camera on the other hand…so many buttons.”
Ross reached forwards and the screen went black.

Holo Video Clip 002
“Right I got this, now I’ll start again. Hello there fellow Earthlings.” Ross scratched his chin. “No that’s not right”
The screen went black again.

Holo Video Clip 003.
“Hello fellow humans, my name is Ross Devane, the first ever human to be admitted into Galaxy Force. I guess if you are watching this, then like me you are human and want to master some of the basics of integrating with aliens. First of all by now you will have been fitted with a translation implant.”
He tapped just below his left ear. “These are amazing pieces of technology. They convert any alien language to a structure we can understand. The other members of crew on you ship will have similar implants so they can understand humans. Now like all technology it’s not perfect. In my case the implant seems unable to translate my name properly hence the crew call be Rizz instead of Ross. Also in high stress situations it will often be unable to convert the expletives of your fellow crew members…”
“It converts expletives just fine!” interupted Ix.
“I thought you were going.”
“I was….and then I got interested in case you decide to mention me.”
“All right then, you can stay but don’t interupt as I’ll never get this done.” He paused. “Hey if the implant works with expletives how come last week Reptar said ‘Graan vild asdiat fleergil’?”
“That’s because its more of a regional dialect that the implant failed to understand. It has not direct conversion to human language hence it could not translate it. I think the nearest thing you humans have is ‘you dumb ass mother f-‘”
“That’s Okay I get the picture. Besides I think he likes me.”
“Just because a Bornur has not killed you it does not mean he likes you. That might be good to put in your guide. Also if he urinates on you its actually a sign of affection.”
“Now you just making it up!”
The screen turned to black.

Holo Video Clip 003A
“Hello, its me, Ross again. Now let’s take a brief look at alien customs. When you first get assigned to your ship be very careful. Whislt the Galaxy Force ships are very clinical on the interior and a little stark, be very careful what you bring from home if you want to brighten up your quarters. I was not aware that new crew members are expected to bring something to eat. Something like a shared meal to bond everyone together.
Well I felt a little greenery was needed from my apartment so I brought a pot plant. And the crew actually thought it was a snack!”
“It was tasty,” said Ix.
“You ate the pot!”
“Very crunchy.”
“If you visit Earth and go to a garden centre, god help them!”
The screen turned to black.

Holo Video Clip 003B
“Back again. I might get this done whilst Ix has gone for a snack. Maybe she’s eating one of the ship bulkheads, who knows? Anyone where was I? Ah yes, alien customs. A quick tip, when meeting a member of the Grulverage, a race which look a bit like large blue blobs, don’t hold out you hand as a gesture. To them its an insult. I nearly got disintegrated before Ozias cleared up the misunderstanding. Actually breaking wind around them is considered a compliment, unless its over 50db and then it’s an insult and the whole disintegration problem comes back.”
“Oh you’re doing that alien guide thing,” said Lyisse approaching Ross from behind. A member of the Cid race, Ross considered her the nearest alien to humans albeit she had twin sets of brow ridges.
“I’m trying to do it.”
“Sorry do you want me to go away and come back later.”
“Oh what the hell…who not invite everyone!”
Screen turns to black.

Holo Video Clip 004
As the screen changed from black, Ross is sat facing the camera and just behind him are all the other members of the crew, also staring at the camera.
“Yeah, forgot to mention,” said Ross, “aliens don’t do sarcasm!”
Screen turns black.

Some day’s he had to pinch himself

first human in Galaxy force

only human on an alien ship

Much to learn including culture

Clinical interior. Needs a little greenery